We Will Rock Them
How Canada can achieve Winter Olympic domination in 10 easy steps
By Mark Schatzker
In little more than a year, athletes from around the world will be coming to Vancouver and Whistler for the 2010 Winter Olympics. And when they arrive, they'll meet a new, performance-enhanced Canada. In 2010 - and in the Winter Games beyond - Canadians will savour the taste of victory. We will vanquish the foreign hordes. Canada will reign supreme. But only by following this plan.
1. The passive sounding name "Dominion of Canada" must be retired. Instead, when visitors land in Vancouver, they will enter The Canadian Dominion of Total Domination.
2. Every morning, citizens will sing a revised national anthem that reflects the motivational spirit off all Canadians: "O Canada/Our home and winning land/We will prevail/And victory will be grand/.."
3. School curricula will be reduced to two classes: sports and sports massage. Traditional scholastic grading systems (e.g. 72%. B-) will be replaced with a gold/silver/bronze system. Students will be encouraged to "medal," and anyone not placing in the top three will be called out as "eggheads" and "wimps" by their teachers, a message parents will reinforce at home. Youths below the 90th percentile in athletic ability will be encouraged to donate their bodies to protein bars.
4. All breakfast cereals will be fortified with wolf protein, stem cells and muskox growth hormone. The Children's Aid Society will investigate parents who serve pasta for dinner followed by high-carb desserts and put their children into low-glycemic foster care. The use of horse steroids on actual racehorses will be strictly forbidden, thus ensuring an adequate supply for the children.
5. Not doping will be "the new doping". Random blood samples will be taken from youths. Anyone found with a hemoglobin count of less than 60 per cent will be sent to the Northwest Territories for athletic re-education. They will be taught curling.
6. Legislation will be enacted that forces all teenagers between the ages of 16 and 19 to use cross-country skis as their sole method of non-motorized transportation, even during the summer, and even for climbing stairs or taking the escalator. Shooting targets will be affixed to stop signs and street lamps so that these Canadians may "live the biathlon".
7. Any car that stops at a red light, and that has passengers under the age of 25, must accelerate in the bobsled style. The passenger must stand outside the car, push it to speed, then jump in and crouch down with their heads between their knees.
8. To ensure domination of ski jumping, the team will be made up of children aged four to seven - small enough to allow the skis to generate lift, letting each jumper glide off into nearby valleys powered by rising thermals. (Their birth certificates will be altered by Chinese government officials.)
9. Athletes caught cheating will be sent to the Figure Skating Judgement Academy - a $400 million-facility to be erected in Ottawa - so that they may perfect their technique. Canadian coaches will visit figure-skating-judging schools in Russia and France to study cutting-edge methods of corruption.
10. During the Vancouver Games, any visiting athlete who medals will be tasered.
(From Explore Magazine, Page 19, Winter 2008 'Our, um, controversial plan for Olympic glory')