THE 12 NEW RULES FOR ENTERING ALBERTA:
1. Bring your own house.
2. If going to the Oil Sands, bring your own house, school and hospital.
3. If going to Edmonton, wear your flak jacket. Winnipeg is the murder capital of Canada, but Edmonton comes in at #2.
4. If driving to Edmonton, be warned, it is also the auto theft centre of Canada.
5. If you are bringing drugs, head to West Edmonton Mall, the drug capital of Canada.
6. If you are looking for work, look no further. Minimum wage is $8.40 per hour.
7. If you work downtown, parking costs $10.00 per hour.
8. If you are able to buy a house in Calgary, why not spend the money on a 15 year holiday?
9. If you drive a Hummer, look out. We sit among the highest gas prices in Canada.
THE ALBERTA ADVANTAGE.
1. In Edmonton we have 5 hospitals. 10 years ago we had 7. Don't come here sick.
2. In Calgary, the population has exploded. The last road was paved 12 years ago.
3. Calgary is a no-parking zone.
THE NEW RULES FOR DRIVING IN EDMONTON:
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: 'ED-MIN-TIN'.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8pm.
3. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
4. Calgary Trail, Gateway Boulevard, Highway 2 and the QE2 are the same road. Oh, and if you drive to Calgary, you can throw Deerfoot Trail into the mix.
5. The minimum acceptable speed limit on most freeways is 130 kph. On the QE2, you are expected to match the speed of airplanes coming in for a landing at the airport. Anything less is considered 'Wussy'.
6. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Edmonton now has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, Southwest Edmonton, SUV-driving, Starbucks drinking, cell-phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
8. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
9. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Edmonton. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and more construction starts everyday.
10. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, deer, barrels, cones, cows, horses, mattresses, shredded tires, garbage, squirrels, rabbits, crows, and coyotes feeding on any of these items.
11. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated'.
12. If you are in the left lane and only driving 110 in a 80-90 km zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
13. For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque, fur lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have a shovel, food, candle and blankets in the vehicle, as snow removal from the city streets is virtually non-existent until the spring thaw.