The 50 best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe

Compiled by John Elmes

"I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex, so he knows what rejection feels like" – Pippa Evans

"The Olympics are for everyone, not just someone who happens to own a dancing horse" – Glenn Wool, on dressage

"I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it's awkward" – Tom Stade

"I love being touched sexually by an ecologist" – Jo Neary, in character as a dolphin

"Glasgow has its own version of Monopoly – just one big square that reads: Go To Jail" – Des Clarke

"A problem shared is attention gained" – Pippa Evans

"Never say to an autistic person, you do the maths" – Wilson Dixon

"I'm glad they invented emoticons, otherwise I wouldn't know what my dad was thinking" – Kerry Godliman

On having sex with men in their thirties: "Generally much better, but you've got to rub their legs afterwards for cramp" – Sarah Millican

"I love paying tax so much, the sight of a gritter lorry gives me an erection" – Jon Richardson

"No seriously, I am a feminist, just a lusty, ogling feminist. I'm a lesbian, in fact" – Rob Deering

"Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It's all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick" – Andrew Lawrence, on his ginger appearance

"One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out" – Tim Vine

"If it's gone abroad, it must be fraud" – Tom Wrigglesworth, on the mindset of the high-street banks

"Victoria Beckham? Does this tampon make me look fat?" – Joan Rivers, on celebrities

"What do you say to your adopted African child if you want them to eat up their dinner? 'There are people starving in Africa right now, like your parents'" – Tom Stade

"Politicians are like God. No one believes in them, they haven't done anything for ages, and they give jobs to their immediate family" – Andy Zaltzman

"Channel 4 just cuts out bits from 'heat' magazine and throws them on the floor" – Wendy Wason, on C4 scheduling

"I'm dating now, because I ran out of hooker money" – Rick Shapiro

"The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?" – Stephen Brown

"Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, 'There's a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him" – Carey Marx

"I love making love on a bed of nails, but can I go on top?" – Ginger and Black

"The definition of bipolar? A sexually curious bear" – Marcus Birdman

"One of my friends had twins with IVF. Two old ladies that she knew came up to her, and one got the term wrong. In a very sweet voice, she said, 'Oh, would you look at those beautiful twins! Did you get those on the HIV?'" – Craig Hill

"Old people don't like swearing, because a lot of the words weren't invented in their day, so they feel left out" – Zoe Gardner

"The anti-aging advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, 'Aah, I've used too much'" – Andrew Bird

"I don't hate the Germans, I just miss my grandparents" – Ian Stone

"'What's a couple?' I asked my mum. She said, 'Two or three'. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed" – Josie Long

"My friend said she was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. I'm just worried she's going to dehydrate" – Kerri Godliman

"Ken Dodd is one of my favourite comics, and one of the richest in showbusiness – he has Swiss money in Irish banks" – Roy Walker

"I wonder what would happen if Franz Ferdinand were assassinated?" – Glenn Wool

"My uncle Cleetus is illiterate and ambidextrous. Which is a double tragedy. He is unable to write, with both hands" – Wilson Dixon

"I like David Beckham. Most of us have skeletons in our closet. But he takes his out in public" – Andrew Lawrence

"If Britons were left to tax themselves, there would be no schools, no hospitals, just a 500-mile-high statue of Diana, Princess of Wales" – Andy Zaltzman

"Surgery is just stabbing in a courteous environment" – A L Kennedy

"I know someone whose dream is to be an actor but they're not that good – they got mugged, and had to audition for the part of themselves on 'Crimewatch'. They got Passer-by No 2" – Isy Suttie

"My boyfriend likes role play. He likes to pretend we're married. He waits until I go to bed, then he looks at porn and has a wank" – Joanna Neary

"I was talking to my friend from New York yesterday, and I used the expression, 'You can't polish a turd'. He looked at me, disgusted, and said, 'No, you can't, but you can roll it in glitter'. He's a lovely guy but I wouldn't want to go to a craft fair with him" – Steve Williams

"My Nan had a plastic hip put in, but I thought she should have replaced it with a Slinky, 'cause if she fell down the stairs again..." – Steve Williams

"A headline last year, after the death of Saddam Hussein, read: 'Tyrant is hanged'. My auntie looked at the newspaper and sobbed, 'Who's going to present "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"' " – Steve Williams

"I used to go out with Christopher Reeve, but I just had to keep standing him up" – Steve Hall

"I despise cliquishness, for reasons only my four closest friends will ever properly understand" – Steve Hall

"Where I'm from, people aren't quick. A girl once asked her mum, 'Can I have a Cadbury's Creme Egg?' The mum said, 'No, you can't Danielle, I've already told you, darling – bird flu!'" – Tom Deacon

"I once buggered a man unconscious. I'm lying, he was already unconscious when I found him" – Tom Deacon

"I never know the right thing to say, especially during sex. After my first time, I said to the girl, 'That's it, I'm afraid'" – Tom Deacon

"I'm the eldest of five children. My parents aren't Catholic, just reckless" – Danielle Ward

"I was in Halifax one Friday night in July, and I thought they were having an 'idiots and whores' theme party, but no – that's just Halifax on a Friday night" – Rob Deering

"I do love Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. He always looks so... clean. But if you went out dressed like that round our way, you'd get the MDF kicked out of you" – Domestic Goddi Rosie Wilkinson & Helen O'Brien

"I've got nothing against disabled people, I've even got one of their stickers on my car" – Damian Callinan

"My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first" – Alex Horne

The Catholic Perversion of the Christian Faith

Or the many things we have Catholicism to thank for.


• CE 300: “Baptism” by immersion changed to affusion (sprinkling).
• CE 300: Prayers for the dead. (Against Deut. 18:11 & Is. 8:19).
• CE 325 Anathema (death) decreed to anyone who adds or changes the creed of faith of Nice (see years 1545 & 1560)
• CE 375: Veneration of angles and dead saints
• CE 431: the worship of Mary.
• CE 431 Mary “Queen of Heaven” (against Is. 7:17, 44:17, 44:25
• CE 593: Doctrine of “purgatory” –by Gregory (against John 5:24, 1 John 1:7-9, 2:1,2, Rom. 8:1)
• CE 600: Latin language only language permitted for prayer (against 1 Cor. 14:9)
• CE 709: Kissing the feet of the pope is ordered (against Acts 10:25,26 Rev. 19:10, 22:8,9)
• CE 850: Fabrication and use of “holy water.”
• CE 995: Canonization of dead saints (against Rom. 1:7, 1 Cor. 10:25, 1 Tim. 4:1-8).
• CE:998: Fasting on “Fri-days” & during “Lent.” (Against Mt. 15:11, 1 Cor., 10:25, 1 Tim 4:1-8).
• CE 1079: Celibacy of priesthood declared.
• CE 1190: Sale of Indulgences (against Eph. 2:8-10)
• CE 1215: Confession of sins to priest ordered. (Against Ps. 51:1-10, Luke 7:48, & 15:21, 1 John 1:8,9)
• CE 1229: Scripture forbidden to “laymen.” (against John 5:39, 8:31, 2 Tim. 3:15-17).
• CE 1545: Church tradition equal to Scripture. (Against Mt. 15:6, Mk. 7:7-13, Col. 2:8)
• CE 1854: Immaculate Conception of Virgin Mary. (Against, Rom. 3:23 & 5:12, Ps. 51:5, Is. 19:9)
• Papal infallibility decreed. (Against 2 Thess. 2:2-12, Rev. 17:1-9, 13:5-8, 18)
• CE 1950: The dogma of “trans-substantiation.”

For more information, see Fossilized Customs, by Lew White.

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Opinion: Can Google be bested? Not anytime soon

By Don Reisinger | Published: August 03, 2008 - 09:01PM CT

Google may be the de facto leader in search today, but will its lead last forever? With services like Mahalo and Cuil gaining attention and Microsoft willing to pour continued billions into its quest for online dominance, Google's rivals are legion, and they're hungry, but that doesn't mean the Big G needs to elevate its corporate blood pressure; Google's dominance is assured far into the future.

According to comScore's latest figures, Google commanded 61.5 percent of the US search market, while Yahoo owned 20.9 percent and Microsoft trailed with 9.2 percent. Both Ask.com and AOL follow far behind the big three. And where are the hot startups? Smaller search engines like Mahalo, Powerset, and Quintura didn't even make the list.
Making room

A search engine can be an extremely lucrative endeavor when it's popular. But with Google, Yahoo, and Microsoft commanding more than 90 percent of the market, is it even possible anymore for a small company to be anything more than the nichest of niche players?

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"When the term 'google-it' is a common phrase, it's hard for others to even enter the search engine market."

Chinese restaurant takes the cake for naming error

The internet has been filled with hilarious mistranslations of sign names, restaurant menus and street signs for many years - but at LIVENEWS.com.au we don't think we have seen one quite as outstanding as this.

Off The Wall says: We're not sure what kind of dishes they serve up at "Translate Server Error" - but we have no doubt it would be a smorgasboard of "404 page not found" fried rice, and "A problem has been detected and windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer" with Honey Soy Chicken.

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"I'll take the '404 Chicken Chow Mein" & the 'Blue Screen of Death Spring Rolls' , please!

Snake attack

26 Important Comic Books

Sure, it may seem silly, but, comic books mean something. Soldiers used dog-eared copies of Captain America to keep their spirits up in WWII. The Green Lantern and Green Arrow made kids actually think about issues like racism and heroin. And millions gasped when they heard the news that Superman died. In fact, the vibrant medium is so often pegged as children’s pulp, or fun for the feeble-minded, that people tend to forget that comics have actually grown with and continued to reflect the spirit of our times.

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"There's a definetely more than a few I'd like to check out!"

Last year I killed a man

At 9.45am on Saturday, June 23 2007, I killed a man. A perfectly ordinary man, on a perfectly ordinary summer's day. CCTV pictures show him entering the station, unremarkable among all the passengers going to the West End. He waited at the front of the platform until he could hear my train approaching, then he calmly stepped down on to the tracks and looked directly at me as he waited for the impact.

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"A very sobering read - but excellent nonetheless."

I Am So Starving VS. I am So Starving

I Am So Starving

By Brittany Birnbaum

Oh, my God, I am so starving. I swear, if I don't get something to eat in like two minutes, I am going to die.

I cannot believe how completely famished I am. Why do we have to wait for Tyler to get home from soccer practice? I want to eat now. It's almost 6:15.

I didn't even get to eat lunch today. Erica and I had to sign up for kickline tryouts at noon. We got to the cafeteria way late, and we weren't about to stand in line with the sophomores. All I had was a Twix and half a bag of Fritos. Plus, the stupid machine was out of Diet Coke.

No, I did not still have those carrot sticks left at lunch. I ate them all after second period. Duh.

Did you hear that? I can totally hear my stomach making these weird growling noises. I think I'm going to faint.

Please, please, please let me eat now so I can go up to my room--I have a ton of people to call tonight. It's so lame how you make us all wait to eat dinner together. Erica always gets to eat by herself in the living room with the TV on.

If we're going to wait this long for Tyler, he has to load the dishwasher. I did it last night, and it was totally nasty because you made that lasagna, and I had to scrape all the gunky cheese off the pan.

I am so totally starving. You know, it's against the law to treat your kids like this. You could get thrown in jail by the social-services people for this kind of abuse.

Oh my God, what are you taking out of the oven? Is that, like, salisbury steak? I could seriously puke just looking at that. You actually expect me to eat that? Yeah, right. Like I'm really gonna put that in my mouth. I'll be in my room if I get any phone calls.

Ugh. I swear, I could just die.



Counterpoint
I Am So Starving

By Kitum Asosa

My God, I am starving. If I do not find something to eat soon, I will surely die.

Hunger consumes my life. My young body is hunched and weak, as if I were an old man. Some days, I pass the time by counting my bones.

I would walk 100 miles through the desert to reach a handful of millet. The sight of a sparrow carcass would make my mouth water, if only I were not too dehydrated to salivate. I have not eaten a full meal since the last rain, which caused a few precious patches of field grass to sprout. Soon, there will be none of us left.

I am so very, very hungry. I grow thinner and thinner, as my body starts to digest its very self. The last thing I ate was a small lizard. This was nine days ago. I gave half of it to my only remaining brother. I did this to return a favor: Last month, he discovered a piece of tree bark and shared his bounty with me. Unfortunately, my body was so unaccustomed to food, I was soon doubled over in pain, as a flood of liquid shot from my bowels. Ever since then, my rectum has protruded from my anus. My lower intestines have begun to push their way out, as well.

They say it is almost the new year, but I do not know if I will live to see it. My stomach is swollen as if I were pregnant. I joked with my brother about this yesterday, rubbing my bloated belly and calling it "my little one." My brother did not laugh. He lowered his head and cried.

My legs are like sticks and my eyes nearly sightless. I am careful not to allow myself to daydream about the harvest feasts of my youth, for my weak heart might race and burst in my chest. Those who are still alive have taken to swallowing dirt and rocks in an attempt to stop the hunger pains. Oh, God, why are we made to suffer so?

My only distraction from the constant, gnawing hunger is the chill that runs through my bones. Even in the sweltering heat, I am cold. Perhaps I will soon die of pneumonia. This would finally quell the pangs of hunger. I long to live, but, even more, I long to die.


"Puts things so very perfectly into the real perspective, doesn't it?"

Lunch Time!

Kokomo by the Muppets

"I prefer the original..but the Muppets are always good."

Orgasm Park In Korea

Orgasm Park somewhere in Korea. Here is a park devoted to monumental figurative work, of the graphic nature. Whatever on all that, I like parks, I don’t discriminate. To hell with less is more, a little extravagance every now and again is good for the soul, so Indulge.

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"My guess is they don't have a area for kids!"

The 10 Most Awesomely Bad Moments of the Bush Presidency

In a lot of ways, choosing the Bush administration's 10 greatest moments -- disastrous failures, all -- is about as pointless as picking out your 10 least favorite hemorrhoids: There are entirely too many of them, and taken together they all add up to a throbbing mass of pain. But unfortunately, history demands that we at least make the effort so that future generations will understand why we perform voodoo rituals cursing Bush's memory before we go to bed every night.

Narrowing down the Bush administration's various debacles to a mere 10 was no easy fete. In fact, I expect that many people will express dismay that their least favorite moment was left off the list. "How could commuting Scooter Libby's sentence not even make the top 10??!!" I can hear some of you shrieking already. Well, I'll tell you. Essentially, I tried to rate each Bush disaster by two main criteria: its body count and its damage to the country's reputation. So while Bush's awkward groping of German Chancellor Angela Merkel may be personally humiliating to everyone, it doesn't have the same heft as, say, the Iraq War.

But for those of you who insist on seeing your least favorite moment get its due, here is list of every honorable mention I could come up with: warrantless wiretapping; Valerie Plame; Scooter Libby's sentence commuted; Bush believes Rafael Palmeiro is innocent; soldiers face neglect at Walter Reed; signing statements; the Kyoto treaty ripped up; loyalty oaths; the fake turkey; a staged teleconference with troops, staged FEMA press conference, extraordinary rendition, support for junk science; endorsement of neo-creationist "intelligent design"; inaction against global warming; record oil prices; record budget deficits; record trade deficits; record number of Americans without health insurance; two recessions; no-bid contracts; bin Laden still at large; the Federal Marriage Amendment; stem cell research vetoed; waterboarding ban vetoed; "Last throes"; "Old Europe"; "It's hard work"; "Bring it on"; "Yo, Blair!"; "I'm the decider"; "I'm the commander guy"; "I'm a war president"; "This is the guy who tried to kill my dad"; "So?"; "Let the Eagle Soar"; John Bolton; Kenny Boy; Harriet Miers; John Roberts; Sam Alito; Blair talks Bush out of bombing al-Jazeera; Cheney shoots some guy in the face; the Military Commissions Act; Jose Padilla arrested and held without charge or access to counsel; endless tax cuts for the rich; let's waste a shitload of money by sending people to Mars and let's hire some Heritage Foundation staffers to rebuild Iraq.

And with that, let's go onto our 10 worst moments.

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A Fitting, Uh, 'Honor'

It's all over the web. It's all over the news. It was reported in the New York Times and USA Today.

I just can't stop chuckling.

A grass-roots initiative in San Francisco, The Presidential Memorial Commission, has collected 8,500 signatures to get a plan on the November ballot to rename the "Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant" the "George W. Bush Sewage Plant".

That's more than enough signatures to get the question on the ballot (7,168 are necessary) and according to some of the polls, it's likely to pass. The renaming would take effect on January 20, 2009, when the new president is sworn in.

Of course the Republicans have their panties in a twist. The White House refuses to comment on the article in the New York Times.

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"I can't think of a funnier way to 'honour' the president!"

The 20 Best "That Guys" of All Time

A "That Guy" is a B-list character actor who's just talented enough to secure bit parts in a handful of movies every year, but not quite good looking enough to become a brand-name star. Some specialize in playing villains and others in having freaky-enormous chest tattoos, but combined, these brave, barely handsome men have appeared in every single movie produced in the last decade.

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"Oh yeah, THAT guy!!"

Now, that is a pet I would love to have

Love in the times of massacre [pic]

A young couple seeks refuge under a bridge during the Tiananmen Square Massacre on June 5, 1989. Photographer: Liu Heung Shing

Pulitzer Prize-winning photojournalist Liu Heung Shing is releasing collection 88 rare photographs giving us a glimpse of day-to-day life in China under communism. China, Portrait of a Country, which will be released in the United States on August 1, 2008, captures the People's Republic from 1949 to 2008.

Queen owns a McDonald's

The Queen owns a drive-through McDonald's burger restaurant, the Royal accounts have revealed.

Among Her Majesty's most recent acquisitions was a retail park in Slough - which encompasses a drive-through McDonalds.

Bath Road Retail Park was purchased this month by the Crown Estate, which administers the monarch's property portfolio, for £92 million.

The site, which is visible from the Queen's State Apartments at Windsor Castle, is also home to a B&Q superstore, and branches of Comet, JJB Sports and Mothercare.

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"Would you like fries with that, Your Majesty?"

JCPENNEY: SPEED DRESSING

"What's your personal best?"

Australian crocs hit by cane toad 'wave of death'

Pit a cane toad against a freshwater crocodile and who wins? Although the croc eats the oversized amphibian, it seems the toad has the final laugh.

Dead freshwater crocodiles in Australia's Northern Territory were once a rare sight. But since 2005, locals have witnessed mass die-offs. Researchers now say the toxic and invasive cane toad (Bufo marinus) is to blame.

Two surveys, in 2005 and 2007, suggested that the mass croc deaths have progressively moved inland from the mouth of Victoria River, at a pace that matches that of the cane toad invasion.

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10 Out of Place Songs That Work Really Well in Movies

Sometimes songs just seem to fit a movie. For example, it’s pretty obvious that one would use the song “Singing in the Rain” in a movie where the guy is actually singing and it’s actually raining.

However, some movies play a song and you think to yourself, “Dude, what the hell is going on here?” and you just can’t fathom why the song has been used.

However, after thinking about it you realize how disturbing, yet indescribably appropriate the use of that song was.

Here are my picks (in no particular order) for the 10 most out of place songs that work really well in movies:

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"Gotta agree with choice #1 - but haven't seen any of the others!"